Christmas Reading for Dog Lovers: A Post that Borders on Inappropriate and Contains References to Penguins and Sex

"Tales from a Dog Catcher is quite an enjoyable read....once I got past the title."

Gotcha! After not posting in so long I knew I need a flashy title to lure you in. I do promise I will not disappoint you.
I apologize to those loyal friends and readers who keep checking my blog, (and have likely given up), over the past few months. I've been incredibly busy with college search stuff for my son, chauffeuring my daughter around, and repairing cars that seem to be in a constant cycle of getting hit while parked!
     Add this to the changing curriculum standards in education that require someone whose been teaching for almost 20 years, to start changing everything they've done, (which seems to have proven successful for almost two decades but for some reason now needs to be different for reasons that have not yet been truly evaluated by any real data)...I guess you could say I've been shirking my blog duties. Okay...I'm done complaining now.
     "I just checked that author's blog...you know the one who wrote that book about dog catching? All she does is complain. If I want to read that I'll just write my OWN blog!"
     So, in light of the holidays...I will reduce my complaint index to an appropriate level. But...just one more before I start. I'm watching the news on this lovely Saturday morning. I looked up to see that a turkey vulture and a penguin are being featured on this morning news program. The Vet is explaining details about the penguin and the serious bifocal wearing host waits for her to pause between sentences and he says - in a very impressive and anchor-person sounding voice:
"So, as I'm listening to you, I'm waiting for this penguin to dance. Have you seen Happy Feet?"
     This is happening at the same time a news (news being a relative term apparently), scroll on the bottom of the TV screen announces something I missed but the words "penile enhancement gone wrong" followed by something about a student who wrote an article on premarital sex for his college newspaper resulting in him being suspended. Do you feel like we live in the 1950's? All of a sudden, what used to be acceptable opinion is suddenly cause for suspension? Premarital sex? In COLLEGE of all places? What about journalistic integrity? How can an article about premarital sex be "bad" at the same time a penile enhancement story is being scrolled across the screen - because obviously - this is breaking news?
     "What's wrong with this woman?! She writes these heartwarming stories and now she's talking about sex and penile enhancement? And...it's the holidays!!! I don't think I want to read anything she writes anymore!"
     Okay, I will revert back to more appropriate content....maybe I need more coffee. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe more coffee will make me stop - although it's more likely it will make me escalate so perhaps it's time for me to close and wish everyone a great weekend.
     I'm 3/4 of the way complete with the sequel to "Dog Catcher" and while it's still sweet and fun...it's a little edgier than the last one. If you want to drop me a line and let me know if that's okay with you...I would be most appreciative. If you're in the process of looking for a great gift for friends and loved ones - Tales from a Dog Catcher is a great idea, (if I do say so myself!), and is available at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com and also at select bookstores in the U.S., Canada, U.K., Europe,  Asia, Australia, New Zealand and other locations across the globe. This book is not yet available on Kepler 22; that new planet discovered that shares many similarities with earth. If you're reading this on Kepler and would like this book to be available, (if indeed there are bookstores there), please send me an email and I'll contact Lyons Press to see if they can send a few boxes.
     "Now I know there's something wrong with this Duffy-Korpics, (she can't even decide on a last name), woman....she's totally off on some tangent. She seemed so well adjusted in the book. Maybe she's gone off the deep end?!"


     Happy almost holidays! 


Photo courtesy of publishersweeklyblog at PWxyz

Christmas Shopping at the Mall - Otherwise Known as the Seventh Level of Hell

"I want my niece's ears pierced" said the loud overbearing woman with the fuzzy white hat.

"Fine, do you have custody of her?" replied the tired overworked sales girl behind the counter.

"What do you need to know that for?! I'm a paying customer! If I want her ears pierced then that's all you need to know!" Fuzzy hat's voice was getting louder - even louder than the disco version of Jingle Bells playing over the store's speaker system.

"Well" sighed the poor sales girl "I need permission from a parent in order to pierce ears on a minor."

All was silent for a moment save for the music in the background.

Jing-jing-jingle bells-wichy-wichy-woo-woo...

"It's a Christmas gift! It's a surprise!" screamed the woman with the fuzzy white hat - the hat looking whiter compared to her reddening complexion. It was a nice contrast.

"How is it a surprise? - If she's right here getting her ears pierced. She's going to know, especially once she feels the needle go through her ear lobe." Sales girl was gaining my admiration. I could sense I wasn't alone - others were quietly watching what would evolve. Mariah Carey had replaced the bad disco Jingle Bells -

"All I want for Christmas is you-oooo-ooh-ohh baaaby...." .

"I BROUGHT MY NIECE HERE TO GET HER EARS PIERCED FOR CHRISTMAS! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME...I'M NOT SOMEONE OFF THE STREET!" (Isn't that how she got to the mall - from the street? Just a thought.)

"Sorry Ma'am. I need a parent here to pierce anything. Store policy. It prevents minors from getting things pierced without permission."

"I'M GIVING HER PERMISSION!" the woman yelled. The girl with the un-pierced ears looked like she was backing up away from the crowd. "YOU GET BACK HERE!

Fuzzy hat screeched. Yes...it was actually a screech. Excitement was building here at Clare's Boutique at the Mall, yes indeed.

"You're not the parent. Can we call her mother - maybe that would be okay?" Sales girl was really impressing me. At this point I would've probably just called for the manager-or mall security.

"NO. IT'S GOING TO BE A SURPRISE! I"M A PROFESSIONAL DAMN IT! I'M...I'M A REGISTERED NURSE!!"

And that's when I didn't keep my mouth shut. All I had to do was leave quietly, go to the candle store or sample cheese or something at the Hickory Farms Stand, but no. That would've been too easy.

"If you're a registered nurse, why can't you pierce them yourself?" I asked.

For a moment it was quiet, except of course for the end of Mariah's song. I've heard Mariah has a five octave range. Fuzzy Hat seemed to be able to hit six.

"COME ON!" The Aunt grabbed her poor niece by the arm and roughly steered her out of the store. There was a bit of applause and people saying "Yeah!" and "I hope I don't end up in her hospital!" I checked out my items and the sales staff asked me if I'd like a complimentary light-up feather pen. I said thanks anyway, but I already had so many feather light-up pens already.

Nobody questioned this.

After this I went to the bookstore. Nothing like this happens at the bookstore.

Happy Shopping! There's 15 more shopping days left until Christmas - enjoy the carnage!

cranky shopper photo courtesy of 123rf royalty free photos.

Frozen

Okay. I've had enough. This is nuts.

I'm wearing so many layers that I've forgotten what I look like, which may be a good thing since I've been eating Milanos like they're a food group since Christmas.

This is the time of the year when they air those Caribbean vacation commercials at 5 am while I sip coffee and wait for the caffeine to penetrate my brain before I get ready for work. All they do is make me angry. I don't like those tan, fit, happy people prancing down the beach. I don't relate to them. After all, they are tan, fit and happy, (which I am not since it's 5 am and I'm preparing to get ready for work).

And, they're prancing. Who prances? Reindeer. Yup, reindeer prance.

Thinking about reindeer makes me think about Christmas. Christmas reminds me of Santa. Santa reminds me that I have wracked up credit card debt because I thought I was Santa.

Thinking about that credit card debt reminds me that I have to go to work, which involves going outside to warm up the car when it's 10 below 0 with the wind chill factor.

Yes. I know how fortunate I am to have a job that I love, even if I hate getting up at 5 in the cold. I also know how lucky I am to have a warm house with a tv, even if annoying commercials make me cranky.

And, I have Milanos.

photo courtesy of outakes.com

Holiday Thoughts from Tales from a Dog Catcher: Best Wishes for a Happy New Year to All

I spent yesterday racing around trying to finish Christmas shopping. I waited for help at one store where an overworked and overwhelmed teenager seemed to be the only employee handling the fifty or so customers shouting questions at him. They were shopping for the holidays, but they seemed to forget that this poor young man was part of what we should all be trying to remember during this season - to be kinder to people.

I left.

Was I totally altruistic? No, probably not. I didn't want to wait either. It was worth it to go online and order it there and pick it up later today. - but perhaps I was partially altruistic because I didn't have the heart to ask him to help me when I noticed him leaning against a display case taking a moment's breather. I watched a very purposeful couple march over to him when they noticed he was alone, like they'd caught the big one. That's when I left. Got in my car and out of the parking lot, only getting beeped at twice. Picked up my kids and took them to Olive Garden for lunch, where after a while I remembered how children are like dogs.

One is a pet. Two are a pack.

I remembered Christmas's with my Mom, when we had nothing, yet she managed somehow to put presents under the tree. Waking up Christmas morning when I was 7 and lived in Arizona, to find my father had flown in from New York in the middle of the night to be there in the morning. Midnight Mass and holding candles in the darkness of the church. Holidays with so many of my favorite people, so many of them gone too soon. I thought about those holidays when I had no tree and no plans and worked through the night to allow others to spend the time with their family. I remember a Christmas Eve working a police dispatch desk on a midnight shift with my 11 month old son in a car seat next to my feet...a part-time job I took when I left teaching for a year to raise my son. Or, even better - the Christmas's when my children were new - when wrapping paper and boxes were more fun than anything inside of them. The years when my cousin and I would walk through the streets singing Christmas Carols - no malls, no crowds, no presents, no need.

I'm not saying I'm self actualized or anything...I can be just as materialistic as the next person. I once spent a holiday in so much self pity that I didn't want to even put up a tree or hang any lights. I didn't care. It was my good friend Michele who told me: "Go home, put up some damn lights and a tree. Get over yourself and remember that this is not about you." Smart advice from a smart woman.

Happy Holidays to everyone out there. Whether you celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, or that made up Seinfeld holiday. Even if you don't celebrate anything at all - take a moment to appreciate all that you have. My friend Bud at work said it best. "No matter how bad you may feel, you're on this side of the dirt and breathing."

I have many wise friends!

I wish all of you the best. Thank you to all my readers for your support and friendship. Much happiness and good health for a wonderful New Year.