To Every Thing There is a Season...or is There?

What do you do when you have no time to cry?

The days come. You know the ones... the dates that are carved into your heart. Days that deserve to be opened up like a box of old photographs, or a hope chest. Days where you should sit and sift through memories and smile and cry and remember...and most of all just feel.

Why is there no time to feel?

Is it American culture? Is it healthier to move on - forge ahead - be strong and resilient and look to the future? People tell us that all the time. Focus on the now, the immediate, the errands, the responsibilities, life.

But I don't want to do that right now. I want to sit and remember how the rain felt pelting against my face mixing with my tears while I stood at a grave on a crisp wet October morning some years ago.

I want to scroll through the text messages I sent every night connecting me somehow over the miles to someone who can no longer text me back. Days ago he did..and now he can't. I want to process this - but there's no time. At what distance does it become impossible to send text messages? To receive them? Can I measure it? If I could, I would because then maybe I'd understand. I sent some to him yesterday. At what point is that futile? At what point is that faith?

Life is for the living. It is a gift. It is a journey. It is all of these things and more. There is time to appreciate it - but there doesn't seem to be any time for allowing the pain that goes along with all of the joy to let the sorrow wash over you. It won't hurt you. You won't melt. But everyone's afraid of it. I want the world to stop turning just for a little bit - just long enough to let me feel it. I don't want to wallow - I want to cry and remember and feel....because I think only then can I heal.

But first I have to make dinner. Grade papers. Make a test. Pick up my son from school, coax my daughter into the bath, take out the dog, answer the phone, pay the bills and prepare to begin another day of life bright and early tomorrow where I will smile and perform and be productive because that is what is expected of me. I'm grateful. I'm lucky. I'm blessed.

But... I still just want some time to cry.

Photo courtesy of Jenny Ellerbee