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One Good Day
You never know when it’s coming. It just happens.
A teacher in high school once asked our class what kind of flower we would be if we could choose,
A teacher in high school once asked our class what kind of flower we would be if we could choose,
I said “I want to be the grass that grows up out of the sidewalk. It gets walked on. Nobody grows it on purpose. Most don’t even notice it. Some people want to get rid of it, but it keeps on growing back because it’s strong. I know it’s not officially a flower, but if it was, that’s the kind of flower I want to be.” It was silent in class for a moment and she seemed to be a bit taken aback by my answer, but then she said “That’s a good choice.”
It was an important day for me because it was a day where I’d made a huge discovery. I didn’t have to be a victim. I could take charge of my own life. I could stop being angry. It was an important moment. Those are the good ones you remember. The ones that will carry you when you’re tired or want to give up. It was a Good Day.
When you’re younger, you think there’s going to be a non-stop array of good days. But, then again you think you know everything when you’re in your twenties. It’s a powerful decade full of self expectations; constantly measuring yourself against others your age. If I could go back in time to talk to myself I would say “STOP THAT”. But because of my age, I wouldn’t have listened. I often tell my children who are currently in that stage this very thing. They also don’t listen.
Then you reach 30. I liked 30. You start to shed unnecessary childhood burdens and realize that all you thought you knew when you were in your 20’s might not be as important as you thought it was. Some of it could be triggered when you have the responsibility of raising children for the first time. For me, that was 30. For others it may be earlier or later. It doesn’t matter how they appear, whether in the delivery room, by marriage or adoption, you are suddenly the least important person in this scenario…and you don’t mind. In a very Freudian way you are suddenly less ID. In a very Piaget way you are thrust into a non ego-centric world. You realize a lot of what you thought you did on your own was actually in concert with a team of people from different times and places that opened doors and supported your goals and faded away once their job was done and never said anything to you about it. Some taught you lessons you didn’t learn until later. And you feel humbled but appreciative. You begin to realize that you’ve done that for others as well and it may not have occurred to you. That now it’s your turn for a higher purpose. That’s a good day.
Then of course there’s 40 but I felt that this decade was when the many tasks of life made everything a blur without much time to ponder what I’d learned. It’s quite literally, a race.
childraisingbringchildrentofriendshousesurgentcareteacherconferencesgoingoverthehomeworkinthestupidfolderattendingchildren’sactivitiesgoingtoworkpayingbillscaringforsickparentswaitingforthecallcompletingyoureducationstrugglingtomakeenoughmoneymaybefinallymakingenoughmoneybutrealizingit’snotgoingtofixeverything’sthatwrongbuildingyourcareerbuildingyourmarriagegoingtoweddingschristeningsbarmitsvahsretirementpartiesfuneralssurgeriesoothingheartbreaksguidingkidstowardstheirgoalsfeedingthedogfillingoutformscleaningupgroceryshoppingbuyingsellingmovinghousesdroppingoffyourchildrenatcollegetreasuringfastrecedingmemoriespickingupmilkgoingtotheatm…
Then people get sick. Sometimes you get sick. Your pets die. A parent dies. A brother-in-law. Another brother-in-law. A nephew. Aunts. Uncles. Students you taught. A few friends from childhood. Your child’s friends to tragic overdoses and sudden accidents. And you start to become afraid of everything like when you were a child, but you can always talk to someone who will make it all okay.
And sometimes your last parent dies.
Then everything is different. Who will love you unconditionally? Who will make it all okay? There’s nobody standing in front of you anymore. You don’t know where you fit. Suddenly the grass sticking up out of the sidewalk is brown and cold and dry, covered with snow, made weak from too much being piled upon it. It’s not a good day. Probably not for a quite a while. But in time the good days will return if you keep yourself open to them -knowing it’s what your parents already knew and hoped to be around to see you learn and the grass will start to appear again in the Spring, and so will you.
You learn from this. You begin to become closer to those around you who are still here. You find more time and appreciation for your spouse who’s been through the same and now there’s less tasks that distracted you both before. You remember who they are outside of husband/wife/parent and wish you had been able to spend more time together and less time always having to work. You cling to your children at the same time they are attempting to spread their wings and begin their non-punctuated journey above — much the same as yours.
And then you’re in your 50’s and you start paying attention to those moisturizer commercials. New words creep into your life- words like retirement, pension, grandparent, AARP (actually AARP has been unrelenting in their effort to creep in into your life, what with all the mail, postcards, and ID cards and their very simply written magazine where each sentence has the fewest amount of syllables possible and interviews with celebrities who are at least 20 years older than you but “give interviews” to the magazine where actual real quotes from them are limited to about 3 with much paraphrasing from the writer since there must only be 8 syllables a sentence — because they believe their intended demographic is already in the beginning stages of dementia).
Then Facebook sends you an ad to create your Legacy Page — for someone to control it when you pass away and you wonder: Why did Facebook send me this now? Is there something Facebook knows that I don’t? I’m younger than Brad Pitt and I wonder if he’s getting Legacy Set Up requests on Facebook? You start to buy more fruit and avocados because avocados will save your life according to the most recent edition of the AARP magazine. Brad Pitt probably eats a lot of avocados.
And then you start to get rid of things you once wanted that aren’t so important anymore. You Marie Kondo the hell out of your closet and then have nothing to wear to work when Winter comes. You sometimes mistake the new teachers at your job as students. Many were. You have a student in your class who’s parent you had in your class. Yesterday you were the energetic creative teacher who always knew the newest tech and practices — and then realize at 56 you are now the senior member of your department and years rushed by and suddenly your children work at serious jobs with important responsibilities. That was the goal, right? Of course it was, but yesterday you were at the park swinging them higher and higher as they squealed for more. A trip to the ice cream place was the ultimate treat. Now they don’t eat sweets unless you count Matcha and Red Bull.
You wish you could’ve stopped time to enjoy the ride more and not be forced to make it on time to the next item on your list of responsibilities. Then you remember regret is stupid. You spend time with your grandchildren and watch their every move with a sacred type of attention. You push them on the swing while they squeal “higher!”. You show them the magic of rainbow sprinkles. Every moment you wished you’d had more of to fully enjoy with your own children- you have now. It’s a bittersweet do-over.
And then one good day a wave of wisdom washes over you. So much seems to make sense that didn’t before. You wonder if it’s the avocados but you realize it’s exactly what your parents and grandparents told you.
With age comes wisdom -along with some unpleasant stuff but hey — wisdom.
You remind yourself that regret is a waste of time. That everyone struggles to get somewhere and it’s the getting somewhere that matters and not so much whether the journey was straight and easy or zig-zag and difficult — but that you reach that goal and the journey to get there is unique to everyone and probably for a good reason you’ll never really understand until the future -if at all.
And if it was straight and easy- it doesn’t make you better than someone’s whose was crooked and hard. It’s what you do to make a good life for yourself and the people you love that matters. If everyone could choose — they’d choose straight and easier and happier but it doesn’t work that way. Take it from someone who sometimes traveled through a dark twisted road to get to a place where the sun shines in spite of many obstacles -some from what life gave me and many of which I created for myself — ignoring the many flashlights handed to me in the darkness by good samaritans I couldn’t see from the obscured vision that comes from looking to the past too much.
From not remembering what kind of flower I was.
Applaud your success and and go on with your life with optimism and joy. Everyone makes mistakes. Most everyone can learn from them. Judging people for any reason is a waste of good mojo.
Keep those connections with people from different periods of your life — it’s good for you in so many ways — it reminds you of all the things you were and are still part of who you are — and not just who you often have to be now sitting indoors somewhere in a meeting where people use words like “lean in” and “best practices” and new acronyms you don’t recognize and don’t intend on learning, while the sun shines outside.
Remember where you came from — it can be a lifeline when you become confused as to where you’re going now — Forget where you came from if it was a bad place and start from a better point of your choosing. The most important thing to look back on is whether or not people’s lives were made better or easier by you. That you were kind. That you made amends and accepted amends. That you noticed when someone really needed a hand and you offered it with no thought of yourself even if it was inconvenient or you were tired. That you gave without any expectations. That you’ve earned the love and trust of others. That you recognize and remember joy.
One good day you realize it’s pretty easy to be unhappy, and it’s a lot of work to be happy. Cut everyone some slack because this is a finite game and so many negative things we fixate and bind ourselves with is just preventing happiness. Most things that stress you out are temporary and you can choose to recognize that. That happiness doesn’t happen to you — you happen to it.
And one good day you start learning again. You learn new things. You learn you’re not always right. You learn to say less and listen more. You learn people who say mean spirited things about others reflects more on their character than the people they’re talking about. You realize that people who do that are often looking to feel better about something inside themselves they can’t fix and you can love them, but you don’t have to join them.
Nobody is ever all one way. Expecting that from someone else is unrealistic. Try expecting that from yourself first. See. Not a thing.
And you watch the younger generation struggle with all that and hope they take it easy on themselves and others because all that mess is hard. And you hope they’ll be okay — but they have to stumble through this regardless. It’s just how it is. They have to find their good days themselves. You’ll be here if they need you as you always have and as long as possible to make it okay -at least as long as you keep eating avocados.
It just happens on one good day. Actually multiple good days that come throughout the years often separated by great spans of time and some not-good-days. Maybe that day comes to everyone when they can recognize it.
One Good Day. It can be sooner or later- but the sooner the better because why not. Why not?
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